Ten Years

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Now Listening: The Seatbelts – Waste Land
Mood: Grieving

I wrote this Monday to get this published today. It’ll be like a message in a bottle or such. Something read in the future.

If I could send messages to the past, I’d be in a lot of greater trouble than I am, mark my words.

Anyway, today, Tuesday, August the 2nd marks the ten year anniversary of Dad’s passing. I can still bring up that day: Mom waking me up in heart rendering sobs, telling me he’s gone, he’s gone. Me trying to contact everyone to find Mom already doing so. Everyone around me as the family pay their last respects (Diana saying that he’s missing his hat).

The wake, filled to the brim with people and with me at the very last pew, away from everyone instead of with the family. Leo, a family friend, trying to get me to go (and me with the words of Glanvill running through my head). The funeral mass and the burial, with me as one of the pallbearers. The only one who didn’t cry, and yet cried all through the years after.

The hassle and the trouble of the aftermath. The decay of the family, the way Mom crumpled into a shadow of herself. The wasted effort to try to understand the why. The wearying depressions, the timeless moments of beauty.

I’d go on, but instead, I’ll just go on with this quote from Doctor Who, who says this better than I.

The [Second] Doctor: Are you happy with us, Victoria?
Victoria: Yes, I am. At least, I would be if my father were here.
The Doctor: Yes, I know, I know.
Victoria: I wonder what he would have thought if he could see me now.
The Doctor: You miss him very much, don’t you?
Victoria: It’s only when I close my eyes. I can still see him standing there, before those horrible Dalek creatures came to the house. He was a very kind man, I shall never forget him. Never.
The Doctor: No, of course you won’t. But, you know, the memory of him won’t always be a sad one.
Victoria: I think it will. You can’t understand, being so ancient.
The Doctor: Eh?
Victoria: I mean old.
The Doctor: Oh.
Victoria: You probably can’t remember your family.
The Doctor: Oh yes, I can when I want to. And that’s the point, really. I have to really want to, to bring them back in front of my eyes. The rest of the time they… they sleep in my mind and I forget. And so will you. Oh yes, you will. You’ll find there’s so much else to think about. To remember. Our lives are different to anybody else’s. That’s the exciting thing, that nobody in the universe can do what we’re doing.

What are we doing? Why, being us. Ourselves. We might be exasperated by it, angered, impatient, but, Great Father Above, we are US. None other.

And I think he will be happy with that answer.

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